Gremio Chapter 1
"Absence makes the heart go Beserk"


It had been several weeks after Young Master McDohl had vanished into thin air, thanks to the incredibly bizarre mishap that occured in the basement of Toran Castle. When the guards had responded to the disturbance, they found Gremio chasing poor Viki, Juppo, and Krin around with his hatchet, demanding they bring back the Young Master. But since they had no idea what went wrong, they didn't know how to fix it.

Once Gremio had finally calmed and stopped blaming the terrible trio, he broke down crying and wouldn't stop for days. Cleo had to take care of all the household chores while Gremio had his nervous breakdown.

It got so bad that she had to send word to Pahn, who was on his journey, to come back to Gregminster to help out. Of course, it took little convincing on Cleo's part. A year had passed and Pahn was out of money and out of places to get thrown out of.

The next few months for Gremio were spent lurking about Gregminster Castle, waiting for any word of the Young Master that might have come in from the search parties. Officials had to hastily explain to the tourists that Gremio was the foremost expert on Lord McDohl and it didn't hurt that Gremio pretty much haunted the McDohl room in the castle and would talk about the Young Master to anyone who'd listen.

To help take Gremio's mind off McDohl's absence, Lepant kindly asked Marie to give Gremio a job at her inn for the time being. And, much to the relief of all parties, she gave him a job in her kitchen.

From that point on, things seemed to calm down. The days passed and slowly the search parties were gradually called away from their posts for other assignments in Toran.

A year passed and it was officially proclaimed that Lord McDohl was missing. Lepant had taken over the presidency and the country slowly started to recover from the shock. As if by some miracle, Gremio didn't even flinch when the proclamation had been made.

Everyone who worried for his health was relieved as Gremio appeared to have fully recovered at last.

Another week rolled by and the McDohl household seemed to stabalize. At that time, Cleo and Pahn welcomed some guests to the house. Kirkis and his wife Sylvina had come to Gregminster to discuss some logging that was going on around the Great Forest.

While they were in the area, they had dropped by the McDohl estate to see everyone and Cleo invited both elves to stay for a couple days. Since it would take awhile before President Lepant would be able to see them, Kirkis and Sylvina heartily agreed.

As night fell and it grew very late, Kirkis inquired as to where Gremio was. He had wanted to say hello and catch up on what's been happening since the last time they fought together. While Cleo went out to fetch Gremio, Pahn managed an awkward conversation over what was for dinner over the last month.

Kirkis and Sylvina were nearly out cold by the time there was a knock at the door. Before anyone could get up to answer, the door blew open and Cleo entered, supporting a staggering Gremio. In his hand was a large wooden spoon that was crooked, having warped from so much use.

"What . . . what happened!?" Kirkis asked, wide-eyed.

Kirkis, Pahn, and Sylvina stared in shock as Cleo managed to partly drag Gremio towards a seat.

"Oh, Marie has been having a daylight-moonlight-daylight-moonlight madness cooking special, since this is the busiest part of the tourist season. I think it's called . . . 'After midnight, we gotta sell a lot of stew'. Gremio had another breakdown and I had to get him to Luikan right away. That's why I've been gone so long."

"After midnight, we gotta sell a lot of stew." Gremio mumbled, a maniacal grin creasing his face. Gremio turned to look at Sylvina and held the spoon in front of him, almost like a weapon.

"Hello, Miss. Would you like to buy a lot of stew?!" Gremio's face was transfixed like some homicidal clown.

"WAAAAAH!!! I'm scared, Kirkis! I'm scared!" Sylvina ran around Kirkis and hugged him from behind, trying to avoid Gremio's goofy stare. Kirkis dared a step forward, looking really nervous.

" . . . . Gremio?"

"STEEEEWWWWWW?!"

"He doesn't recognize you, Kirkis," Cleo sighed. "Things were going along just fine until a bunch of people came in and started talking about the Young Master. Gremio just snapped and it'll be awhile before Marie's kitchen will ever be the same."

Everyone looked at each other quizically, then turned back to Gremio as he stood on his own and collapsed in a chair. The tension just seemed drain off his face and leave him looking incredibly tired.

"Ohhh . . . I think I will have to stop working for Marie. I fear that I frighten the patrons."

Gremio struggled to sit up and looked at each of the people in the room. Standing with much effort, he shook the dizziness away and stretched.

"What did Doctor Luikan say, Gremio?" Pahn asked.

"Let me think, Pahn. There were two things he mentioned. He said that since Cleo had taken over the household cooking, my stomach was now the size of a walnut . . ."

Off to the side, Cleo growled a little.

". . . and that since the Young Master disappeared, I am suffering from stress."

Gremio looked at the others, who were cautiously avoiding direct eye contact with him.

The next day, the McDohl household (and guests) went out to find ways for Gremio to relieve his stress without having another nervous breakdown.

First they started discussing hobbies that Gremio could pick up. But nobody thought that collecting stamps would interest Gremio for very long. Pahn suggested that Gremio collect recipies, but they dismissed it, knowing he was just thinking of his stomach first.

Then they thought that Gremio could take another job, but there was nowhere in Gregminster that he could avoid someone talking about the Young Master, so that was out.

Amazingly enough, the answer was next door. It turned out that General Sonya Shulen had a vegetable garden that was adjacent to both her estate and the McDohl estate. It had been one of her many excuses to catch glimpses of Teo McDohl back before the Toran War, but barely cared her servants still grew things there since the Toran War ended. She was more than happy to donate it to the McDohl household and Gremio started working in it right away.

Much to everyone's relief, no only was Gremio starting to cheer up, but he was actually smiling and acting as he did before McDohl vanished. The garden seemed to revived from the absentee care of Sonya's servants to a thriving plot, even though it was small.

Gremio had set up a scarecrow with one of Viktor's old wanted posters nailed to the head and whistled "Old McDonald" as he tended the vegetables. Wiping his brow, Gremio just let the tension of the last year blow away, feeling truely at peace.

As Gremio was about to go inside for a drink of water, something out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. Turning, he nearly screamed as a whole row of vegetables just sunk into the ground, one after another.

At the end of the row, was a hole in the ground. An adorable brown rabbit popped out briefly, sniffed the air, and went underground again.

"Rabbit!"

Gremio dived for the hole, trying to grab the rabbit. He missed and scrambled over to peer inside the rabbit hole.

"You just made the biggest mistake of your life, rabbit. Kiss your bunny-bunny-butt good-bye . . . GYAH!"

Gremio jumped to his feet and covered his face with his hands, running around the garden. He wiped his face and ran in the house.

"Cleo! He pee-ed on me!"

Three hours later, the McDohl household was assembled out near the garden, watching Gremio going back and forth between the fountain with two buckets. Pahn, Cleo, Kirkis, and Sylvina watched Gremio fill the buckets with water and pour them down the rabbit hole, chuckling like a mental patient.

It was Kirkis who finally got up enough courage to walk over to Gremio. Gremio was down on his hands and knees, peering in the rabbit hole.

"Uh . . . Gremio . . . not that I am judging your actions or anything, but you've been pouring water down that hole for hours, and the ground isn't even wet. Where is all that water going?"

"I haven't got the slightest clue."

As everyone waited, there was some slight squishing sounds that everyone but Gremio turned to look for. General Sonya Shulen walked up behind Gremio, looked at him pouring water down the rabbit hole, and gave him a swift kick in the ass.

Gremio looked up at her and blinked. Sonya was soaked to the bone and looked really pissed off.

"You know, as the Admiral of the Republic Navy, I am constantly called away from home on official business most of the year. On those rare occasions I come home, I like to kick off my boots and read a good book. However, as I returned from the market today, I opened the front door and stepped into my living room pond. It appears some idiot has been pouring water into the ground. Gremio, have you seen an idiot pouring water into the ground?"

When Gremio just looked blankly at her, she turned sharply on her heels and glared at Cleo and Pahn.

"I'll be sending you a bill for the draining of my house. Good day."

With that, Sonya left and everyone else helped Gremio up. Cleo looked rather distressed as Gremio just brushed his clothes off without so much as giving notice to Sonya's mood.

"Do you have any idea how much trouble we're in, Gremio?" The concerned look on Cleo's face got even worse as Gremio just started laughing.

"It doesn't matter, Cleo! I've poured who knows how many gallons down that hole. I HAD to have gotten him. If he doesn't come floating belly-up, I'll pay that bill by myself!"

As if on cue, the cute rabbit poked it's head out of the hole, looked at Gremio, then dived back down. Gremio just closed his eyes and rubbed his temple with his fingers as Cleo and the others walked off,

The next day, the whole town was engulfed in a thick poisonous cloud. Everyone was indoors and the McDohl household was no exception.

Cleo, Pahn, Kirkis, and Sylvina all sat on the couch and watched the door, rather annoyed. Gremio finally walked in, with his green cloak wrapped about his face. In his hand was an open container that had a small smoke trail coming out of it. He put it in the garbage and unwrapped his head.

"Gremio . . ." Kirkis started. "This was a really bad idea! Do you have any idea what you've done to nature by spraying that stuff around the city?"

"Please, Kirkis, Ledon swore to me that this poison isn't toxic to anything but rabbits."

As Gremio said that, three birds dropped dead past the window. Everyone turned to look and Gremio ran for his room, locking the door behind him.

It took a few days for the poison to let up, delaying Kirkis and Sylvina's audience with Lepant even further. But they spent the time watching Gremio get worse by the day.

One afternoon, Gremio came down the stairs in a strange sporting vest and his hatchet by his side. He strapped a fuzzy red hat to his head, glanced at everyone, and shushed them with his index finger.

"Be very very quiet. I'm hunting wabbits."

"Gremio . . . " Cleo tried to dissuade him from pursuing this. "Please don't go on with this mad quest."

"I have to!" Gremio hissed. "I need that garden to relieve my stress, dammit! And I will have that garden . . . even if I have to KILL every last living thing in this city to get it."

Gremio stalked outside, holding his hatchet over his head like a madman. Cleo just walked over to the couch and sat down between Sylvina and Pahn. Kirkis was by the window, watching Gremio

"Gremio's waiting by the hole . . . oh, there's the rabbit! He swings . . . and misses."

"At least he didn't stab himself in the foot." Pahn said.

"Give him a minute." Cleo sighed.

There was another swooshing sound of air being cleaved, followed by a piercing scream. Gremio hopped past the window, holding his left foot in intense pain.

Sylvina and Pahn just patted Cleo's shoulders, as she held her head in her hands in frustration. In fact, they were in that same spot the next day, as Gremio had borrowed Cleo's Fire Rune to attempt to blast the rabbit when it showed up.

Kirkis still gave the play-by-play.

"Gremio's aiming for the rabbit . . . and he missed."

"Garden on fire?" Cleo asked, not even looking up.

"Yes. And so is General Shulen's fence. Whoa! Look at her big tree go!"

"At least he didn't shoot himself in the foot." Pahn added.

"Give him a minute." Cleo groaned.

There was the fwoosh of the Fire Rune activating, followed by an intense scream. Gremio once again hopped past the window, holding the same foot, which was now smoking.

Several days of this went on, each attempt at home pest control only getting worse. By now, Gremio had been reduced to the same drooling imbecile he was when he snapped right after McDohl had left.

He had taken a Rage Rune, had it turned back into a Rune Crystal, and was stuffing it down a giant cloth carrot he sewed himself.

"Hee hee hee! Soon he'll get hungry and come up for a bite. Then it's bye-bye rabbit!"

Kirkis, Sylvina, Pahn, and Cleo watched Gremio putting the finishing touches on his latest masterpiece and each put blast helmets on their heads. Pahn turned to Cleo as Gremio rushed out to bury his carrot in the garden.

"So this is how it all ends, eh Cleo?"

"I'm afraid so, Pahn."

Gremio walked back into the house, wringing his hands maniacally. Kirkis shook his head and glanced at the garden.

"Gremio, those runes are deadly. Are you sure this is safe?"

"Of course it's safe!" Gremio smirked. "I took every possible precaution! If Runes were dangerous, do you think they'd sell them to an idiot like Pahn?"

Everyone turned to give Pahn a dirty look for helping Gremio. He immediately got defensive and held his hands up.

"Hey, don't look at me. I just want those vegetables."

Everyone blew a sigh of disgust and turned back to Gremio.

"Are you sure you didn't have that thing anywhere near the new addition to General Shulen's house? That's where she keeps her magic lab," Cleo warned.

Gremio just stood in the midst of them, rather wide-eyed. He then calmly turned to Cleo, took her blast helmet off her head, and put it on his own.

"Hit the deck."


Meanwhile, four miles away from Gregminster, Sheena whistled as he walked back to the capital. He had run out of spending money and was planning on asking his dad for another loan for his training journey.

He could see the great town of Gregminster over the horizon and stopped walking and whistling as he saw a gigantic fireball fly into the air.

Sheena stood there, unmoving for half a minute, before turning 180 degrees and just started walking away, whistling like he hadn't seen a thing.


At the end of the day, the McDohl household and General Shulen all sat at the edge of a huge crater where the vegetable garden once was. Cleo and Sonya had head injuries while everyone else had fractured ribs or broken toes. Gremio was nibbling on a carrot and seemed strangely at peace. Sonya just smirked in defeat.

"It truely was a magnificent explosion. The heat from the blast dried out my living room, but I guess the sun could have done that just as well, since I no longer have a ROOF!"

"Well, we have two." Pahn replied. "One for each wall in my room."

"No one's asked me how my stress is." Gremio said, nibbling on the carrot. Everyone turned to glare at him. Finally, Cleo decided to humor Gremio.

"Oh, we're sorry Gremio. You feeling better?"

"Yes, my stress is completely gone." Gremio smiled as he surveyed the wreckage. "And you don't see a rabbit anywhere around here, do you?"

"You did good, Gremio." Cleo patted his shoulder sarcastically.

"Carrot?" Gremio offered. Cleo just shook her head.

"Fine." Gremio shrugged and continued to munch on it.

Just then, the cute brown rabbit hopped in front of all six of them and into the McDohl residence. Gremio just dropped his head down and sobbed like a baby.

A couple hours later, some of the guards came to take Gremio to Gregminster Castle. They spoke to Cleo while Gremio was shelling out 5000 Bits to a weird kid in a red baseball cap and his electric mouse to catch that rabbit.

Gremio, now back to normal, was incredibly nervous as he was brought in front of President Lepant in the Gregminster throne room. Lepant just stared at Gremio for nearly half an hour before speaking.

"Gremio . . . . I have spoken to General Shulen, Kirkis, Marie, Sylvina, Cleo, Pahn, and Dr. Luikan about your . . . condition."

"Y-yes sir . . ."

"And I think it would be in the best interest of the country to appoint you as the head of the search party looking for Lord McDohl."

"I'm ready for my punish . . . . wha!?"

"The Toran Republic needs Lord McDohl and it's become painfully (not to mention scary) obvious that you need him too. So I will give you some potch and send you north to the Jowston City-States to search for him. There have been rumors of someone who resembles Lord McDohl at their northern border."

With that, Lepant himself escorted Gremio to the Northern Border and saluted him. Gremio smiled broadly and felt a new vigor running through his veins as he started his quest.

"Farewell!" Lepant called after him. "Don't return until you have found Lord McDohl!" Then he turned to Varkas.

"And if he tries, stop him."

Varkas shook his head and wondered why he couldn't get any of the easy jobs.


Another year had passed (bringing us even with Suikoden 2), and Gremio rested comfortably in his bed at Kyaro Inn. It had taken him a long time to search most of the Jowston City States for word of McDohl, only to hear of someone resembling Lord McDohl at the Highland Capital.

He was about to turn in, when he heard the ruckus caused by the local nobleman's son being taken away by Highland Soldiers. Gremio was not going to pay any heed, but bolted up in bed when he heard a soldier cry out the name "McDohl".

Gremio raced out of the inn and to the city's front gate, but there was nothing there. He sighed. Someday he and Young Master McDohl would be reuinited, but he had to stay more alert than that.

Gremio walked back to the inn and headed to his room to resume his nap.


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"Gremio" and "Suikoden 2" are (C) Konami, 1999.
This chapter was posted on November 21, 2000